I'm not really into predict about future even when I was at high school I'm known as a girl who can see about other life by reading their hand. I was at first year of high school but my senior came to me and asked me to read about their life. Well I just say what's appear on my mind and they said yes it's true. I'm not a witch I can't even predict my own life, so it just so funny they believe what I said. 

I asked my friend to read my life (love life) cause she also doing this stuff. Actually it was just for fun. My version and my friend's version almost similar. This is prediction since long time ago, check the result and compare with my latest conversation. It's SIMILAR!!!

About Love in general

my version: 

My love story still full of mystery. Some guys try to enter my life but I always build a wall to make a distance. It's hard for guys to be close to me. When I get close, so the guy is away but when I'm away the guy is chasing me. It's happen for several times. The problem is come from my side, mostly it's me the one who make problem, make the wall. But the ending is very funny, how can I'm with a guy where my heart is not opening. 

My friend's version:

All people give support, and we can fix everybody who don't like this relation and try to make messed. Simply, there is none defying this relation. His heart is open (my friend tell me wow congratulation! but I tell her fortune teller thing is just for fun) Seem that everything is good, the family and friends blessed us, look like it's gonna be a happy ending story, but wait a minute, there is only one thing not opening here. What is it?

Where is my heart? It's not opening, my heart is not open! Lo0o0o0o0o0o0oL I'm dying from laughing. Seem that my heart been in refrigerator for so very long. It's not only cold but freeze.

It's so funny, how can there is a relation if my heart is not opening. 

None know my fate except God. Only God knows my destiny and only God I believe. 

Well yesterday, Cause I said all men just the same, my friend try to argue me and asked about marriage. I don't know, I tell my friend there are 2 choices: first I leave him on the wedding, or second: I commit suicide. Lo0o0oL it just a joke. My friend asked me, how can you accept to marry him if in the end u will runaway from the wedding or die. Mmmm I don't know. Lo0o0oL Love him or not I will do one of the choice. Unfortunately not enough time to make it real. 

Aghhhhh grrrr I only have 15 days left, it's mean I can't make my crazy intention come true lo0ol (I mean runaway from wedding, w0w it sound nice). My devilish mind give me an attractive idea. Each time I tell my friend hey I got an idea my friend always say Nooooooooooooooooo even before I say what's inside my mind because they know I have a crazy idea. Lo0o0o0oL.

mmmm... do I have to canceled my plan, it's mean stopped counting down (it's only 15 days left, just 2 weeks and I'll fly away from everything). How can I get a guy in 15 days??? 

It just a joke, I could never do that cause it's will hurt many people. I don't want to get hurt and don't want to hurt anybody. I just want to leave in peace. 

All Guys Just The Same

All men just the same, no exception!!!! Well some guys try to defend by say not all men just the same but the truth of the truth is always the truth regardless you look it from left to right, top to bottom, Fact can't be denied that all men in this world just the same!!! 

I wonder why when I said all guys just the same people told me to see my hand and check my fingers. What the hell is wrong with the fingers? Then they told me that the finger is different each other, simply each finger have different out shape and so does with guys they are not the same. 

I still wondering, each fingers have different out shape but isn't it made from the same materials? I mean only the measurement make it looks different. There is no finger better than other finger, each finger might have different out shape but from the inside it's all just the same. So I can take a conclusion that the guys just like that, they have different measurement, different out shape, but from the inside they are all just the SAME!!! 

Hahahahahaha ...

Okay, Let me add something:

Fact about Men, we must know:

1. Men are totally selfish, brutal and cruel towards other. 

2. Men says, No Woman No Cry.

    Excuse me!!! By the way who cry easily, man or woman? Do the men knows the meaning of cry? Do they have heart to cry? I don't believe!!! Well okay I believe the words "No Woman, No Cry" have other meaning for men. It's not because The Men Cry for woman. But the words "No Woman, No Cry" means: Cause woman easy to cry and it's men who likes to make woman crying, so if there is No Woman then the men won't have chance to make other crying!!!  

3. Men like to changes the fact, and hide behind 1001 reasons to make them look innocent. 

4. Men never admit their mistakes, when they admit or say sorry it's not because they mean it BUT because they want to QUIT from the Subject!!!

5. Men always think they are the best, they are the ruler. Excuse me again, there always be a great woman behind a success man. 

6. Men are so IGNORANT!!!

7. Men give less but want more! Men Give little attention, give little care but want all the attention and care just for Him. 

8. Men hates to be compared but like to comparing. Man hates to admit that they are just the same with other man.

9. Men act as the way they want, don't care what the effect to other people and refused what they have done give effect for other people. Men always acting as dictator, they want to control everything. 

10. Men will denied these facts. 

All Men Just The Same

I still thinking about the lost day, but I have no idea what exactly happen to me on Monday. How could I missed that day? Anyway, I got reply from Maurice and he said he spoke to me on Sunday but didn't see me on Monday. 

MSN Today:

I blocked 3 people today hehehehe, Well as I said before "No More Nice Personality". I'll block the people who cannot respect me, who annoying me, whether they mean it or just joke, I'll BLOCK everyone who disrespect me. My rules:

First: I don't like dirty joke, I hate bad words, cruel words, and all kind of porn chat. You broke this rule, I'll welcoming you to my block list. 

Second: Racialist talk.

In my opinion about race: 

We are all knows there are many race in this world. But there is no race is better than other race, we are all the same even we have different race. What’s is race exactly? It just the matter of colors and measurement but basically we are all the same. We are all the same, only our out shape makes us different. Nice looking face, good body, nice skin color doesn’t make you much better than other. It's just the matter of taste and everyone have their own opinion about what is good looking thing. We are all the same, you have eyes so does with other people from other race, you have hands so does other, you have mouth so does other, and etc. what’s make you think that you are better than other? People will respect you if you have good personality and good behavior. If you want other people have respect for you, so you have to respect them first. You just lucky to have good-looking face and good body, but once again it's the matter of taste, it’s all gift from God and we are all beautiful as the way God created us. It's the people who makes their own criteria about the good looking thing (mostly people related the race with out shape). You cannot judge people cause they are different with you. People have their own destiny. Whatever we have, no matter what's we look this is Gift from God and you could not change it cause this is your destiny. No matter you are male or female, rich or poor, whatever your race and your religion, we are all the same cause we are HUMAN! Different make unity and don’t make the different as a reason to insult other or to make fight. What’s make you different from other people is your personality and your behavior and it’s not from your property, your race, your out looking shape but it’s all back from your inner shape. We are all born the same, given the same ability to live this life but it's depend on us how we will use the ability to make our life is better and have a good life.

Who you are to judge other people? Only God judges people. We are all the same in front of God. And always remember that nobody is perfect, only God is perfect. So don’t show off about what you have cause there is nothing is truly yours. Cause all what you have belong to God and will come back to God. (Taken from My Journal - May 2004)

Third: Try to crossed my privacy.

Everyone have their own privacy and not all people allowed to know it. Sometime I don't like to talk about my secret and please don't force me to talk when I'm not in the mood or when I think it's not necessary talking about my life. Everyone needs space, and so do I.

Fourth: depend on my mood.

Well, In this case it's all depend on the situation and condition. 

I don't care about chat, there are millions people on the net. If someone cannot agree with my rules, then I don't need him to talk!!! Anyway I'll leave everything even net after 17 days WHO CARES!!!!

Blood-red wrists 

Your all alone,
All by yourself.
No one sees you,
No one hears you.
And you give a ghostly smile.
Reaching into your pocket,
A sharp razor is taken out.
Sheath and unsheath.
You are amazed by the slimness,
The shining blade,
And the sharp edge.
Slowly but surely,
The blade rips off some skin.
Leaving it all bloodied.
You,
Feel enticed by the smell of fresh blood.
Again.
Again.
The icy cold blade slices through the veins...
The veins that give life...
Then,
The blade softly klinks onto the ground.
Splattering the blood.
The torn bloodied wrists fall limply to the sides.
And you would have left this world...
If it hadn't been for someone so meddlesome to save you.
The Darkness will envelop you.
And forever in your dreams...
Blood-red wrists will always appear...
Forever...
Blood-red wrists... ... ...

what day is today? 18 days left

A peculiar thing happen to me, everyone told me today is Tuesday but I'm sure it's Monday. How come after Sunday is Tuesday? It's very crazy yet so silly. I remember yesterday is Sunday and I did my Sunday's activity then I spending my time by watching TV, I watched my favorite TV Series. I remember I talked to Maurice and Patrick, I'm sure it was Monday (I sent email to Maurice to make me more sure about it.) Then I go sleep at 8 pm. And when I woke up it should be Monday, right? But NO, everybody says today is Tuesday. How can that be?

I missed one day that is Monday. Where am I on Monday? What did I do on Monday? Did I sleep all days but I'm a person who cannot sleep in the afternoon. It's impossible for me to sleep 34 hours without wake up, it's a very long long hours for me. How can I missed Monday 22 August 2005? At first I thought all people make fun of me but when I watch TV, it's Tuesday's program. Something wrong and I don't know what it is. The last thing I remember about yesterday is that I was preparing my bed before sleep and it was Sunday night.

A Day Missing In My Life! 

I went shopping this afternoon, bought clothes and some other things. A little difficult for me to get the right clothes, not because the model but because the size. Actually as long as the dress pretty well and I feel comfortable wearing it so model and price is not a big deal for me. But it’s kinda difficult for me to find the right clothes right to my size, like when I want to buy a skirt/jeans/trouser. The length is enough for me but the waist is too large/too small, and vice versa. Sometime I hate my body, it’s easy to lose my weight but it’s very very hard to gain it. even some people says that my weight is enough, cause most of people wants to have slim body. Talking about body, not much people satisfied with their body. Many people have problems with overweight and they do diet to lose their weight. But I'm the opposite of them; I try to eat as much as possible to gain my weight. For some people it’s very bad to gain weight but for me it’s very important.

Actually no matter how do we looks like and no matter the condition of our body, we should not regret or hate our self. People seeing you not from your out shape but they see your personality, just be the way you are. People respect you not from what you wear but who you are from the inside. A beautiful mind is billions times precious than beautiful body without behavior. Once you have beautiful mind, people will see you as a beautiful person. beautiful mind have no ages, but beautiful body could gone anytime. Beautiful body could fade away but beautiful mind will stay with you as long as you keep it as your personality.

So boys and girls be proud and confident of yourself. Be just the way you are and never hate yourself cause your out shape. Shows that you have beautiful mind and great personality. Nobody is perfect in this world but you can make your life better than yesterday and make your life full in harmony. Ignore what people says about you, cause this is your life and you are the one who must knows yourself.

In fact if somebody like you by your out shape not by your inner beauty so this person won’t stay with you forever.

Once I was dying from Overdose but it was long time ago. I don't remember how it feel. I don't know!!! Hey no I never use drugs, never smoke, never drink alcohol, never been to nightclub and never doing that kind of crime. I was overdose not because addicted from drugs then take too many pills. It was ... I can't say it. But simply one question is why didn't I die on that day??? My crime is try to burning my room in the year 2000 (25 may 2000) dying from smoke (well not really dying). In the year 2002 started to addicted with razor blade then stopped for year and back again to the old habit. I have a small bag with 5 knifes and razors but my father took one of my lovely knife on 3rd August. Too bad it was my favorite knife. My fault, I shouldn't use and left it in front of him. I cursed myself. It was something I can't say but simply I should save it. My sweety, I've been looking to the kitchen but still don't find it. Make me feel so bad. 

Play List Of The Day:

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Why is this? What is this for? For money? Or try to get a royalty? Or to get appreciation? Then what? Is this for love? But does love leave so much pain and tears? I think I hate this city, every faces, every eyes, everything! This hate so deeply that I try to close my eyes, closes my ears and every part of my body. I try to run as fast as possible, try to running away from this thing. And it’s make me want to kill myself. I really want to be away from this world. I want to fly away … around the sky Forget all the pain and Leave everything behind .

that's what I wrote last year. But now everything is different.

It's very funny some people telling me, you don't have problem but you think you have problem. And other people telling me, you have problem but you don't think you have one so fix your problem by now.

oh excuse me!!! I don't have problem and I don't think I have one. There is nothing to be fix. Nothing!!! 

I remember on 3rd August my Father asked me "do you think problem can not be solved?" and I say NO!!! Nothing to be solved. 

By the way I like to say Nothing. One of my friend, Khalil was very mad cause each time he asked me what's wrong and I always say Nothing. Nothing just nothing. What can I say, I don't have any problem but do I have to say Hell Yes I have a big problem!!! Long time I don't talk to Khalil, I guess he still mad at me. I still remember when he said how can we stand with a person who always thinking about commit suicide every day. 

None will understand me. No I don't need other to understand me. None allowed!!! 

Anyway I still haven't make the decision so I won't say my final decision is to leave this life. Anything might happen. And as Hilary Duff's song - fly, Any moment everything can change.

Well I just wait and see what I can do with my limited time. within 23 days I must make a list to reviewing my life, about the good time and the bad time I ever had and see what I can do for my own life. Anything might happen for a new day to come. 

Only 2 choices: Leave this life or try to survive!!!

Play List Of The Day:

Hilary Duff - Fly