My killer instinct tell me to beware of evil men.

My sister attend a wedding today and she told me that the bride even younger than me. Lo0o0o0oL. Well, last week my neighbor whose younger than me got married. Lo0o0o0oL I don't even have boyfriend.

I believe in love, I think love is exist but simply fairy tale is not for me I mean about marriage, live in happiness forever and ever like Cinderella loves story. 

I still a normal person who need love, to be loved somehow but I know it's hard for me to have a person to love me. Every time I get close with a person, I ruined everything. I always build a wall, make distance to every guy who want to be by my side. When my classmate telling my best friend that he has a special feeling to me, I froze him and never spoke to him until we graduated. Then, when the guy next to my class say he has feeling to me, I ran away from that guy and I stopped doing all the thing that could make me see him or talk to him. 

This cancer is getting chronic, it's eating my soul alive, my mind, and my heart. It's infected me in all way, the way I talk, the way I think and the way I feel. 

A Confession:

Behind my stiff character, I still have a little feeling to somebody. I think it's love but is it love? Do I love him or I just love the love itself? Is it because I love the idea to love somebody? what is a real love? I don't know and have no idea about it. There is one thing I know, I prefer stay away from him. I choose to be away from him. I could not ask him to be by my side to fight this cancer. 

Never able to say that ... never. I don't need pity, I don't need sympathy, I just want my mind to be clear.

If a man really care and love me, knowing about my condition or not he will never abandon me. I don't want to use this thing to make somebody stay with me. No I'll never do that. 

I couldn't let somebody to stay with me even I really need somebody to be by my side. But I know I don't want somebody stay with me cause of pity, and I don't want ... it's hard to say, but 

It hurts to love someone
and not be loved in return,
but what is most painful is to love someone
only to find out in the end,
that it was never bound to be

I don't want to hurt anybody and I don't want to hurt myself either. 

Wedding planner

I believe that when you are in love with someone and there are plans of marriage, there should be a commitment of honesty. If you are afraid to share your past with your new beginning then, you are unworthy of truth. No one said that every detail and all the forgotten should be revealed but, doesn't the other person deserve to know the person they are to marry? Geographical locations, the color of ones skin, the place of ones birth, our parents, childhood or family can never decide your destiny when your life belongs to ALLAH. Fear is what deny us salvation. We think that by hiding we keep the hidden in the dark but the darkness will eventually surface and then what will you do by adding more fuel to the fire which was created? If we learn to face our fears and fear no one but ALLAH by not mere words but by our actions and our deeds; our motives and our true intentions; Our trusting in ALLAH will prevail. If you are denied due to your honestly then that person you had hopes to marry is not your companion...Do not force what is not meant to be into what you think it should be .... If we love ALLAH then we love HONESTY therefore, we are not afraid of not having someone we had hopes to marry. If love is truly as it is meant to be, then both people will remain together. I cry out to you as a Muslim to all Muslims ...Stop this madness...Lies are an attribute of fear and fear is an attribute to evil. Ask your self, Do you really want your relationship to be based on lies? Be careful because, if this is in your mind, ALLAH will surely reveal your true face and take the side of the innocent...Wouldn't you prefer to die from truth than to die from a lie? Because the lie you tell to someone else and insist upon keeping the lies, this will turn on you when now you are weakened by LOVE